


I know we can make it if we take it slow, take it easy now, watch it go

by Velocity_Owl87



Series: Qui Gon's Parallel Life [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Career Ending Injuries, Families of Choice, Fix-It of Sorts, Identity Issues, Introspection, Loss of Virginity, Medical Inaccuracies, Multi, Mutually Unrequited, Past Relationship(s), Physical Disability, References to Depression, References to the Jedi Council, Requited Unrequited Love, Social Issues, Space Husbands, Teacher-Student Relationship, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 19:59:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velocity_Owl87/pseuds/Velocity_Owl87
Summary: Darth Maul didn't strike to kill, leaving Qui Gon alive, but unable to resume his duties as a Jedi Master and floundering in the wake of it all. Not to mention needing to re-evaluate everything that he was and has known.Including his relationship with his apprentice and all the things left unspoken between them after the Battle of Naboo and the consequences of having Anakin at the Temple and Qui Gon's disability. Something that leads to both of them finally admitting and acting on the unspoken love that has always been between them.





	I know we can make it if we take it slow, take it easy now, watch it go

**Author's Note:**

> So, yet another AU where Qui Gon lives. It was brought to mind due to a conversation I had with a very knowledgeable guy who saw Darth Maul as more of a blunt instrument, rather than Sith material in the scheme of things. A blunt instrument causes damage thoughtlessly and it just felt right to have him cripple Qui Gon, rather than outright kill him. 
> 
> This story would be the exploration of that and how Qui Gon, Obi Wan, Anakin and to a lesser extent, the council would deal with Qui Gon alive, but no longer fit for battle or the Order, more or less and what role and part he'd play in the scheme of things. 
> 
> Title is from the Killers "When You Were Young." Proofed, but mistakes may appear, such as medical inaccuracies, which I have done my best to research and not overly handwave within the Star Wars universe. Yep.

_One_

He had been standing in the empty hall, still shaking from adrenaline and the spike of the Force in the battle with Darth Maul despite being told there were quarters ready for him and Anakin. He found that he couldn’t go, not when he didn’t know what was to come next. His mind was blank and he was only just holding on to the last bits of adrenaline in his system.

He didn’t want to leave _him_ just in case things ended up in the way that he feared.

So he stayed and purposely refused to think about what needed to be sorted out next.

He was too tired for any responsibilities. Not now. Later. It could all be dealt with later.

As long as he could still feel that small spark of the training bond between them and that soft rippling of the Living Force, everything else could wait. Even the break that his body was starting to need badly. The adrenaline had finally worn off.

Obi Wan scrubbed his face roughly with his hands as he tried to push back the near overwhelming exhaustion. It was more than physical exhaustion that had him on the edge. He had been in much more punishing situations and hadn’t felt as weary as he felt at that moment. Even during Melida/Daan, he hadn’t felt that exhausted and overwhelmed.

Even though he had been deserted by the same person again, this felt so much _worse_.

There was a small ripple in the Force that only just warned him that there was another being near him.

He turned his head and he felt his burden lightly at the sight of Anakin Skywalker. He wasn’t the person that he wanted beside him at that moment, but Anakin at least would understand, on some level, the turmoil wreaking havoc inside him. Despite the ever so public rejection he had suffered in his favour, he still welcomed Anakin inside of his barely contained grief.

“Is Qui Gon going to be okay, Obi Wan?”

Anakin’s voice was far too quiet and too _knowing_ for a child and it hurt his heart in ways he hadn’t anticipated.

He looked down at the child and debated whether he should give him the diplomatic answer, or give him the blunt truth. He knew that Anakin had had a hard life in Tatooine. Anyone with two braincells to rub together knew how hard life in the Outer Rim, especially Tatooine, was. For a slave, even more so.

Anakin may have been nine standard years old, but that didn’t make him a child. Just like he hadn’t been a teenager after he had gone through the civil war in Melida/Daan.

_“He did leave his mother though. The only safety he knew.”_

He reminded himself, breathing in deeply as he released the emotions clouding his judgement to the Force before answering Anakin.

“I don’t know, Anakin. He was badly hurt before we got him to the halls of healing.”

Obi Wan replied honestly.

Anakin’s face scrunched up at that.

“The healers are doing the best that they can, but we can only leave it to the Force in the end.”

Obi Wan explained, feeling a bit like he wasn’t being completely upfront about the situation with Anakin. But it was what he knew and what he hoped. He had had it drilled into him enough times that the Force simply _was._  So he would hold onto that scant comfort and hope that it was enough to tide them over until they had a sure answer on Qui Gon’s condition.

Anakin tilted his head as he considered Obi Wan’s words, nodding to himself once he had worked their meaning out into something that made sense to him.

Obi Wan had to admit that he was surprised at the resilience and the quiet acceptance of the situation. He supposed he had to make himself as malleable as he possibly could have been if he were to have survived as well as he had.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead, where the start of a headache was starting to throb. Maybe he should take Anakin’s example to heart, he mused as he looked down at the boy.

Anakin blinked at him and it was seeing how tired the boy was that made him walk away from his self-appointed duty and focus on what he could do instead.

“You must be tired. Come on. Are you hungry as well?”

Anakin’s cheeks turned pink and Obi Wan felt a pang of guilt at his negligence of the child. He would have to be far more attentive in the future, especially if his Master-

He cut that thought off. No sense in thinking that way until he knew for sure what would pass.

“I think the refectory might have something to eat. Want to go see?”

At the mention of food, Anakin immediately perked up, making Obi Wan also smile despite himself.

“Come on, then.”

_~*~*~*~_

The doorbell was what woke him up from the deep void of sleep he had sunk into the moment that he had gotten Anakin tucked into his own bed. The boy had passed out immediately, leaving Obi Wan to take his Master’s bed. Although it had been a bit odd at the beginning, he could appreciate being surrounded by the faintly herbal scent.

He didn’t have time to dwell on that when the bell rang again, making him jump out of bed and run to the front door before Anakin woke up.

He waved the door open and was surprised to find Master Dooku at the door.

“Master Dooku. Please, come in. Would you like some tea?”

Master Dooku shook his head as he walked to the sitting area, his expression drawn as he sat down on the simple, but comfortable sofa that his Master preferred to relax on in his rare downtime.

Once he had settled himself, Master Dooku looked at Obi Wan, his dark gaze sharp and penetrating as he looked for something in Obi Wan. He stared until Obi Wan wanted to fidget under his gaze. It was only then that Master Dooku looked away, whatever it was that he was searching for finally found.

“I have just come from the halls of healing and I am glad to report that Qui Gon is still amongst the living.”

Despite the proclamation, there was no warmth or relief in his tone. It was a matter of fact statement that made a spark of worry rise up in him.

He hadn’t sensed anything amiss in the Force when he had woken up. It was simply humming along neutrally, maybe flickering due to Anakin’s presence, but nothing that would make him worry.

Nor had he sensed anything in the bond that he had with his Master.

In fact, now that he checked it, he could feel that the spark was now a small flame and the rippling of the Living Force had turned into a steady pulsing that despite being weak, kept on going without starts and stops.

It felt like his Master wasn’t conscious yet. But he would be.

That was all the confirmation he needed to let go of the worry and anxiety over his Master returning to the Force. He had released most of it to the Force, but part of it still had remained at least until he had gotten news of his Master’s health.

His face brightened, but Master Dooku still was glowering, making a tendril of fear curl up into Obi Wan’s heart again.

“He won’t be the same Jedi he was, after this. They did the best that they could, but he won’t be out on the field ever again.”

He paused and glanced sharply at Obi Wan.

“At least he trained you before that happened and despite my reservations, you _are_ a credit to him. Let’s hope the child he risked everything for turns out to be the same.”

Obi Wan swallowed hard at the words, but refused to show his distress in the face of his Grandmaster.

He had suspected that it was a possibility, that his Master had been closer to death than life after Darth Maul had finished with him. He hadn’t wanted to believe it, but Master Dooku’s words had made it a truth that couldn’t be denied. Master Jinn had been wounded. Now he had to figure out exactly how badly and what was to come next.

He was still thinking of possibilities when Master Dooku rose from the sofa.

“Give Qui Gon my sincerest wishes. It shall be a long while until we see each other again.”

He paused to pull out a pair of gloves before addressing Obi Wan again.

“There will be hard times ahead. The appearance of that Sith wasn’t a coincidence. Keep close to the boy and to Jinn.”

His patrician facade cracked and Obi Wan could have sworn that there was a glimmer of concern in those dark eyes for a brief moment before he turned around and left without a word, leaving Obi Wan to contemplate what he had just heard.

He knew that Master Dooku had visions and the words felt like a prophecy, rather than just advice. It unnerved him, but he couldn’t do anything about it now. Or at least not yet. He needed to see his Master first, then put in place some temporary measures for Anakin.

The rest would surely fall into place.

Having decided on a course of action, he went back to his Master’s bedroom to get ready for the day.

_Two_

Obi Wan’s first thought was of how _diminished_ his master looked lying in bed. How heavily his years weighed on him in a way that not even being in a battlefield had ever done. He looked as if he was completely stripped down to his raw elements, leaving him all sharp edges and fragile with it.

It made Obi Wan’s breath catch in his throat and he struggled to not let the sobs escape him. He couldn’t afford to show that much emotion here. That much attachment.

It went against the Code, all that he had been taught and believed. He reined in his emotions with what felt like a massive effort and released it to the Force. He wasn’t going to do his Master any good if he was blubbering like a youngling when he was supposed to be practically a Knight.

He had heard the whispers, despite being mostly in the quarters he shared with his Master and in the refectory to grab food for himself and for Anakin while he did some preliminary work with him. He wasn’t sure if Anakin would be allowed training, but until he got his knighthood and a formal answer, he’d start with the basics.

It helped to ease his frayed nerves and make the hours pass faster as he waited to get permission to see his Master.

Despite Master Dooku’s words, Obi Wan and Anakin were refused permission to see Qui Gon by the healers at first.

“He is still in a very critical state. Bacta and cloned organs need time to work and he needs time to respond. When he’ll be out of danger, you’ll be the first we will call.”

Anakin had been mulish at the refusal and Obi Wan wanted to share in his sentiment, but he was the older one now. He had to set a good example, so he had simply thanked the healer and taken Anakin to a training salle to start some of the basic forms.

He avoided Ataru for the time being.

“He doesn’t look good.”

Anakin whispered loudly, making Obi Wan look at him with his lips twitching as he returned to the moment. Part of him was mortified and part of him wanted to agree. Anakin was right. Qui Gon looked more like a frail old man than the strong Master that had been part of his life for almost two decades.

“He nearly died, Anakin. It’ll take awhile for him to heal.”

Obi Wan whispered, his voice lower than Anakin’s in an effort to not rouse Qui Gon. He needed all the rest he could, since he knew that Qui Gon would insist on leaving the halls of healing as quickly as he possibly could. Something not likely to happen now, Obi Wan realised as he noticed the bacta patch on his chest still.

He felt a small tug at the bond between them, pulsing in small scattered bursts that felt as if Qui Gon was looking for him. He wanted to reach out and reassure him, tell him he was near when Healer Che appeared.

“Padawan Kenobi, could I speak with you privately?”

He could tell, by the opaque look in her eyes that there was even more that was wrong with Qui Gon. She wouldn’t have needed that secrecy if Qui Gon’s state wasn’t so precarious. It was serious enough that she didn’t want to say it in front of Anakin. Not when she was aware that he had just been parted from his mother. She may have been brisk and occasionally blunt, but she wasn’t downright cruel.

“Anakin, can you stay with Master Qui Gon?”

There was a small flinch at the word that made Obi Wan internally curse and remind himself that he would have to use a different title around the child. It wouldn’t be orthodox, but then, it wasn’t like Qui Gon himself stood on too much ceremony.

“He may wake up and I need to talk to Healer Che, could you stay with him?”

Anakin nodded at the quieter tone and moved to the empty chair next to the bed, watching Qui Gon carefully for any signs of him coming awake.

“Thank you. We shan’t be long.”

“Okay. You don’t have to worry. I’ll watch him.”

Anakin grinned, making Obi Wan return the infectious smile before he followed Healer Che into the curtained off area that served as her private office.

“I wish I wasn’t giving you these news about him, but I’m afraid it’s bad.”

Healer Che stated, the bluntness only just curbed in deference to his age and connection to Qui Gon.

Obi Wan had expected it. It had been a miracle that his Master wasn’t dead. He should have been, but at the last moment, Maul had changed his mind and had left him gravely wounded. Obi Wan hadn’t been as merciful.

He hadn’t regretted it. Not when he had still felt his master’s heart beating ever so weakly and their bond thin threads, but still viable and still there. Despite the rejection, he still loved his Master and now, they had the chance to work through their differences.

“How bad is it? Will he be out of the field for what? Six months? A year?”

He guessed a year, since he had never known his master to ever succumb to injury or illness for very long. Anything longer or permanent was unthinkable to Obi Wan.

Healer Che chewed on the inside of her cheek and crossed her arms before replying.

“He won’t be back on the field ever again. His spine was severed by the blade at mid chest and his lung was badly damaged enough to need cloning. Even with the bacta...It wasn’t enough to get him back on his feet. I’m sorry. I truly am.”

Her words were whispered and it took Obi Wan several minutes to comprehend what she was telling him. Once the implications had sunk in, Obi Wan felt as if he had been dealt a crushing blow. It hurt deeply, to know that his free and independent master would be confined to a hover chair, quite possibly to the Temple for the rest of his days. He would never clasp Obi Wan’s shoulder before they headed out for another mission to another planet.

Never tilt his head down and smile at him with that warm, closed lipped smile of his, or pull him close with a one armed hug if things had gone particularly well. Never wrap his cloak around him if things were too wet or cold. All of those little gestures would not be repeated or only half done.

He’d be the one leaving him behind and the idea made his heart hurt even more. Despite knowing the impermanence of the Master and Padawan bond, of the Code’s rules regarding attachment, he couldn’t walk away now or ever. He was connected to his master in a stronger way than he had ever anticipated on that fateful trip to Bandomeer.

Even with their recent coolness...He couldn’t imagine walking away and taking Anakin with him, much less actually doing it. He knew, the moment that he had rushed to him and held him, keeping him stubbornly alive despite the blood that had leaked through his hand that he had seen the regret in his master’s eyes at leaving him. He hadn’t been able to speak and Obi Wan had stopped any attempts that he would have made.

“Save your strength, Master. We can always talk later. Please, save your strength.”

His master’s eyes had softened and closed and for a split second, Obi Wan had been sure that he was dead. But his chest still rose and fell, albeit faintly and the thread of their bond remained, glimmering like silver thread in a dark room. He felt the relief, like a soft sigh, before his master had fallen unconscious and the medics had pushed him aside to work on him and get him stabilised before the trip home.

He pulled himself together with difficulty, fully aware that Master Che was watching him closely. He knew that a visit to the mind healers was long overdue and he was all too aware that if he didn’t react accordingly, he’d be on his way to the soul healers as well. He could take the first ones, but not the second ones. Not when he had such a complicated tangle to deal with.

A tangle that always led back to his master and their truncated conversations and connections.

“It will be difficult for him. After all those years on the field. Being at the Temple. Being a prisoner of his own body.”

He shook his head and bit down on his lip hard when it started to wobble. He wasn’t going to cry, kriff it all! Not here! And certainly not in front of Healer Che. He would grieve, but not with an audience. And certainly not in the halls of healing with his master lying only a few feet away.

“He's strong. You're not giving him enough credit.”

Healer Che replied roughly, making Obi Wan shake his head.

“He is, I won't deny that, but he's also a man who’s suffered far too many losses. His padawan turned on him. He lost the woman he loved. Throughout all of that he had missions. Now that's gone. He's strong, yes, but no one is that strong. Not even him. Everyone has a limit. And I'm afraid he might have reached his.”

Healer Che pursed her lips at Obi Wan’s outburst and rubbed her forehead and grainy eyes.

“He might. Or he might not. He was alone all those times, he wouldn't let anyone in. But you. You were the one person he couldn't truly push away. He does need you, more than he himself knows. You being beside him won't guarantee he won't break, but at least he’ll have a fighting chance.”

Obi Wan chewed on his lip as he thought over what she was saying to him.

“That's too much of a responsibility for one person. I can't be the one thing that keeps him sane.”

Healer Che shook her head.

“I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that he has you and Anakin to drive him. He knows he isn't alone. Not like he felt himself to be before.”

She looked back at the ward and at Anakin, who was holding Qui Gon’s hand and quietly murmuring to the man while he waited for Obi Wan to return to them.

“That may not seem like much, but it will make a difference in the end. Hold on to that, at least.”

Healer Che advised him, making Obi Wan nod.

She was right. The man that he had met while on Bandomeer and Melida/Daan had only just been holding everything together under a facade of impenetrability. Of strength and aloofness that had eventually cracked and broken, proving exactly how fragile the person underneath all of the carefully constructed truly was.

It wasn’t the same, as Healer Che pointed out. His master had him and Anakin when he woke up. Master Windu and Master Yoda too. Things were different now. His master wasn’t going to slip into the darkness.

Not if he could help it.

_Three_

Qui Gon was confused when he finally came to, the cobwebs of being unconscious still there for him to fight through. It took him a long time to find his way through all of it, using the bond he had forged between himself and Obi Wan after much stubbornness and heartbreak. Ironic how much he had fought it, how it had been broken, and how it now turned out to be his salvation.

Obi Wan was a warm beacon to guide him back to the land of the living. Already, he could feel the tendrils of the Living Force wrapping themselves around him like happy vines seeking the sun. He had missed this connection so much. Almost as much as he missed having Obi Wan’s presence at the back of his mind, pulsing gently as he explored it.

He poked around it, surprised that there were minimal shields and got a bright flare of joy in response.

It made an answering happiness rise up in his chest.

_“Master! I’m so glad that you’re awake! We’ll be by shortly!”_

Qui Gon smiled at that enthusiasm. He should maybe curtail it, since it meant their bond had deepened in their attachment. He should maybe draw away, but later. He had survived what should have killed him and he wanted to get ready for when Obi Wan and Anakin would arrive.

He had only managed to prop himself up on his elbows when Healer Che appeared with a rather guarded expression on her face as she saw him getting ready to sit up and get out of bed.

She stopped at the foot of his bed and he frowned.

Vokara Che didn’t hesitate. She was the most decisive healer in the halls and to have her pause and suppress any emotion was not a good sign.

Something was wrong.

It was then that he was aware of the cotton wool feeling that enveloped him from mid-chest down. He looked down and blinked. He was still there. Still whole. Except-

“I’m sorry, Qui Gon. I’m so sorry.”

Vokara apologised quietly in a voice laced with sorrow and apology.

Qui Gon’s mouth went dry as the words sunk in and he turned his attention back to the cotton wool feeling and the _stillness_ of his lower body. He reached out with the Force and found what he had at first unable to acknowledge: There were no sensations, no synapses firing. Nothing.

He swallowed hard and tried to neutralise the panic building up in him. Especially when he felt the spike of worry coming from Obi Wan and the frantic rush to get to him. Vokara sensed the change in his Force signature and moved forward to help him.

“Qui Gon. Qui Gon. Look at me. Look at me. Breathe. That’s it. Breathe.”

She was sitting on his bed, his face between her hands as she talked to him quietly. Yet his panic crested. Vokara murmured quietly, her voice a low drone in his mind as she did her best to pull him back inch by agonising inch away from the panic attack that he was so close to falling into. Yet the fear and horror overwhelmed him again once it had sunk in that he was no longer in control of his own body.

He tried to listen to Vokara’s voice, but he was too far gone, his shields crumbling and broadcasting his distress.  He felt Obi Wan’s concern spike up sharply and his breathing quickened yet again.

_“Master! I’m coming! I’m coming! Listen to my voice. Focus on the bond.”_

Qui Gon gasped and did as he was told, grabbing onto the link between them as a lifeline. He focused on it so intently that he didn’t notice when Vokara’s hands were replaced by Obi Wan’s. He only came back to himself when a wash of calmness poured over him and his breathing finally slowed down and his vision, so blurred and spotting at the edges, finally cleared up.

He blinked a couple of times and found himself utterly relieved to see Obi Wan’s face in front of him and feel his hands cradling his face. Vokara had stepped back and they both could sense her watchful presence behind them, waiting to see if she was needed.

Qui Gon wet his lips as he debated what he should say to his padawan, who was watching him carefully for the imminent collapse that Qui Gon himself couldn’t deny was coming. His shields were down and he knew that there was no point in denying that he was far from well. This wasn’t the same as Xanatos betraying them both. Or losing Tahl.

No. He couldn’t hide this behind shields. Nor could he push Obi Wan out and distance himself as he should have done. He was weakened not just by his injuries, but by the shock. His control was shot.

Obi Wan’s gaze had softened as all these thoughts and emotions churned inside Qui Gon. His hands slid down his former Master’s shoulders ( _So thin)_ and rested there as a comforting weight that grounded Qui Gon somewhat.

_“You don’t have to hide from me. Or hide your pain, Master. You don’t have to face this challenge alone. Will you let us help you?”_

He felt his cheeks heat up in mortification. It wasn’t that he was a proud man, but the idea-

_“May I remind you that you have taken care of me when I needed it? It would be an honour for me to do the same service to you, Master.”_

Qui Gon lowered his eyes as memories of taking care of Obi Wan’s injuries and various illnesses in their years together. He had seen his padawan through less dignified times and had done it without thinking twice about it. It was simply part and parcel of the Master and Padawan relationship and despite his chagrin, he knew he would be a hypocrite if he argued otherwise if he argued against Obi Wan wanting to return the favour.

He swallowed hard and looked up at Obi Wan.

_“Even after I rejected you in front of the Council? Even after my coldness in Melida/Daan and after Tahl’s death? I don’t deserve your forgiveness. Or your kindness.”_

Obi Wan’s jaw twitched with barely suppressed emotion that Qui Gon felt an undercurrent of running through the bond that was ruthlessly suppressed.

_“You’re right in that you don’t deserve kindness. Neither do I. Or Anakin. None of us do. But I am choosing to give it to you because I know that you are more than one action in your life. You have been a good Master to me. I would be less of the man that you raised if I were to leave you and us like this.”_

Qui Gon knew that Obi Wan was speaking honestly, yet could feel that there was an added layer over the words that he was so honest in speaking. He also knew better than to try and prod over that bit of reticience that he felt from his padawan. He also was self-aware enough now that the dust had settled to know that even if he was willing to try, he was in no shape to provide advice and counselling in regards to what he would find there.

Obi Wan caught the last and smiled faintly.

_“You’re right. You’re in no shape to do so. Not when you need to focus on your recovery. Will you let us help you?”_

Qui Gon nodded and found himself being engulfed into an enveloping embrace that felt right and alien for reasons that he didn’t want to examine further.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, Padawan Kenobi, I need to examine Master Jinn.”

Obi Wan reluctantly let him go and moved out of the way so that Healer Che could examine his Master.

He could feel the slight embarrassment from his Master and he also felt awkward at being there. But if he was going to truly help his Master, he knew that he needed to be for all of it, even the embarrassing and awkward parts as well.

It confirmed what Healer Che had told Obi Wan earlier: Paralysis with little to no chance of improvement. Cybernetics weren’t an option due to complications that could arise, possibly worsening the paralysis, making Qui Gon regretfully shake his head and the option was quickly shelved.

Obi Wan watched his Master’s face and kept a close eye on the bond, but he only felt a resigned sorrow at the news. It was to be expected, but Obi Wan made a mental note to keep an eye on it all the same. It would take more than cups of Sapia to ease that sorrow and to shepherd it into some kind of acceptance.

Luckily, the examination passed quickly and he got the blessing of both his Master and Healer Che to fetch Anakin.

_“Thank you, Obi Wan.”_

He wasn’t really expecting to hear it said and if his cheeks got flushed with the gratitude, he’d never admit to it.

_Four_

Qui Gon let out an exhausted sigh of relief as he was settled into his bed for the night. Closing his eyes, he put his arms under his head and tried to still his mind and let the events of the day go so that he’d find that place of serenity and fall asleep.

Except sleep wasn’t coming and his mood was slipping down into the depressive bleakness that he had been skirting around near ever since he had woken up from his comatose state. Most days, he had been able to keep it at bay. But today wasn’t one of those.

It had been a long day of relearning the basic tasks that he had done since he had been a youngling and it was quite frustrating. There were times that he wanted to scream with frustration, his hold on the Force erratic as he forced the working parts of his body to somewhat respond to the tasks that were set out for him to do.

He wanted to simply lie in bed and shut his eyes and the world that he was no longer able to be a part of out. He wanted to fade away and return to the Force, as churlish and petty as the wish was, he really didn’t know what else to do to cope with the increasing frustration and havoc that his disability had created in his life.

His autonomy was gone and it was true that he was getting some independence back, it wasn’t the same as it was before. He had been through enough upheavals in his life to know that there was no guaranteed constants. He also knew that giving up was akin to blaming the rain for falling. It simply did it.

Just like the Force was neither good or bad. It just was and he had to do his best to cope with that.

Some days were better and he could believe that he could see a renewed sense of purpose in getting back to a routine and helping train Anakin. There were days where he was grateful that he was still alive and mending relationships not just with Obi Wan, but with other colleagues. That he could still fix his mistakes and missteps. Even with his disability, it was better to be alive.

Yet some days had him wondering the opposite and flirting with a different kind of darkness. The kind that was selfish and a quick release from a pain that he was all too aware was temporary. The kind of darkness that resented having to rely so heavily on a mere _boy_ to help him put himself back together. A boy that he should have cut loose years ago and pushed to be a knight in his own right, but inexplicably ( _Liar)_ couldn’t let go.

He felt the bed dip with an added weight and for a brief moment, he debated whether to keep his eyes closed and wait until Obi Wan left him alone to his thoughts. He was tempted. He wasn’t going to deny that he craved the solitude to meditate and have a good sulk before sighing and getting back up again to do it over again.

Yet Qui Gon was fully aware that he was over-sensitive and raw at the moment and he knew that he didn’t want to be alone.

Far from it.

He wanted to have Obi Wan beside him. Wanted his quiet assurance and strength when he felt he had scraped the bottom of his own reserves. He wanted to have Anakin smile brightly and run towards him, babbling excitedly about a new lesson, a droid, a new form learned.  He wanted them to be in the rooms across from him, close enough so that he could sense their Force signatures and ground him whenever the nightmares came.

They weren’t as bad as in the beginning, when Obi Would get worried enough to slip into bed and sleep beside him. It should have been awkward, two grown men sharing a bed. Yet it wasn’t. Their bodies recalled similar times that they had been forced to do just that and any awkwardness was quickly dispelled. As were the nightmares.

The physical proximity along with the intimacy of Obi Wan engulfing him within the bond and Force signature gave Qui Gon a taste of what being truly connected with someone meant. No teacher and student barriers or the past stood between them. No subterfuge and no worrying about how much or how little warmth they could show each other. All of what had stood in the way had been stripped away and they were left with seeing each other as individuals and equals.

Qui Gon had worried at first about this. He had had closeness with Xanatos. Had been in love with Tahl. Yet those losses had nearly destroyed him. The wounds had healed as well as they could and Obi Wan had been a large part of doing so.

As his life had begun to settle into the state that it was in at the moment, he became aware of how much it meant to his life to have Obi Wan and to a lesser extent, Anakin in his life. They made him see that he wasn’t as broken and damaged as he perceived himself to be. That he was still able to connect with others and keep a bond strong.

He didn’t really talk to anyone about it, despite the mind healers wanting him to elaborate on it the few times he had alluded to it. Nor did he flaunt how much having Obi Wan beside him meant to him. But he secretly cherished the tenderness that had grown between them and nurtured the hopes that it could be more than just the bond between a master and his former apprentice that they shared.

And it wasn’t going to happen if he shut Obi Wan out.

So he opened his eyes and looked at Obi Wan, who was simply watching him with a neutral expression that hid the concern and tenderness that Qui Gon could feel leaking through the bond.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t really need to. He understood.

“Anakin’s asleep. Do you want me to stay tonight?”

Qui Gon nodded.

“Alright.”

Obi Wan agreed, pulling the covers back and slipping in beside Qui Gon with practiced ease.

Qui Gon listened to Obi Wan’s breathing for a few moments, luxuriating in the familiar closeness for several moments, wishing he had the courage to come closer than just lie beside Obi Wan before closing his eyes and falling deeply into much needed sleep.

_Five_

“I’m truly sorry, Ma-Qui Gon. They’ve not left me with many options.”

Obi Wan murmured again as he packed under the watchful eye of his former Master. It wasn’t a mission that he particularly wanted to take, but had no choice in doing so. The Council needed him to get to Tatooine and he was in no position to say no.

Especially not when he was just a newly minted knight and not when he’d already extended his leave twice and taken sporadic missions during that time that simply couldn’t be turned down.

Qui Gon smiled in understanding and waved Obi Wan’s apologies away.

“Don’t apologise for doing your duty, Obi Wan. As Jedi, we must obey the Council and if they decreed you are ready for this mission, then you must go. Anakin and I will make do until your return like we did the other times.”

Qui Gon pointed out as he sat back in the power chair that had now become part of him, but was still jarring for Obi Wan to see. Despite being at his side during the rehabilitation and seeing the scars that not even the Bacta could completely heal, it would take him a bit to register that Qui Gon wouldn’t stand up from the chair and walk up to him and clasp his shoulder like he always had done.

He couldn’t and despite still being as imposing as he was when he was still able-bodied, the moment of jarring past and present adjustment was something that Obi Wan was still working to cope with. Anakin had none of the compunctions and had simply accepted that was how Qui Gon would be from now on and also had no problems climbing onto Qui Gon to listen to the older Jedi explain a bit of arcane history or lore.

Obi Wan nodded, closing his satchel and making his way to where his master had parked his chair. He grabbed a chair and sat down in front of Qui Gon as he marshalled his thoughts as they wove from the past few months to the present. He never held a conversation without either kneeling or sitting down first, since it was rude and inconsiderate to do so. The last thing he wanted was to make Qui Gon feel like a second class citizen. Or worse, a relic with no place any longer.

The Council had already done that and he was damned if he was going to follow in their footsteps.

Qui Gon released the worst of the hurt and anger towards his treatment at the hands of the Council. He was all too aware that despite their stance of neutrality, they were warriors underneath the veneer of genteel civilization and humility. He was a broken soldier. And unlike Tahl, his disability put him at a bigger disadvantage.

Obi Wan also understood, but it didn’t mean he could stand aside and watch them push him into the shadows like they had done with other Jedi. They had suggested it, but Obi Wan and Anakin had fought on an exhausted Qui Gon’s behalf, forcing them to make a rare concession or risk losing the most gifted child that had crossed their threshold in years.

Anakin was to be trained on the non-physical aspects by Qui Gon and Obi Wan would be his teacher on the field. Despite the unorthodox compromise and the complaints that followed, the system had worked.

Anakin was rarely alone and if Qui Gon and Obi Wan tended to dote on the boy, it wasn’t mentioned outside of their shared quarters.

“He misses his mother. She was all he had and despite the mandate on attachments, it would have the opposite effect on Anakin if we were to discourage them or forbid them.”

Qui Gon had explained to Obi Wan when he had come back from an Outer Rim mission and found Anakin sitting on Qui Gon as he explained some arcane history of the order.

Both of them looked slightly guilty and Anakin had moved with a well practiced ease that made Obi Wan wonder how often they had been in the same position. The explanation had been given in a light tone, but Obi Wan was attuned to Qui Gon’s moods and could taste a bit of defensiveness in it.

“I agree. It’s better that he turned to us than seek out approval elsewhere and become vulnerable to a less than positive influence.”

Obi Wan could feel the surprise that his remark had made as well as the pleased acceptance of Qui Gon’s rationalisation.

It wasn’t just acceptance that Anakin couldn’t be treated like the other children in the creche. He had been made uncomfortably aware of Senator Palpatine’s sudden interest in the boy on a mission to Naboo. An interest that he knew, from previous conversations with Qui Gon, bode no good tidings. So he made sure to be as attentive as he could and let Qui Gon do the rest.

“I’m glad that we agree. I was worried that you may be resentful, considering our start.”

Qui Gon had replied in a soft voice.

Obi Wan had winced at that. That old wound had closed, but they still tended to tread lightly around it. He wet his lips as he picked his words carefully as to be able to continue the conversation.

He didn’t want to leave with any discord between them. He had learned exactly how much damage unfinished business left behind and he was _not_ about to repeat his mistakes.

“I understand why it was the way it was and I am not resentful of it. You were deeply hurt and lost not just your trust, but someone you loved deeply soon after. You chose to not dwell in that and we made it work. I can’t be resentful of you being able to have that openness with a child.”

He sat back and rubbed his lower lip as he marshalled his thoughts.

“In fact, it’s a relief, to see that you can be that open. It means that the good and bad times were worth it. No. Besides, I still have you in the evenings. It balances out.”

Obi Wan had joked, hoping that Qui Gon would take the surface level of the conversation and not pry and find the actual truth.

That he, a grown man and a Jedi, was _jealous_ of a little boy and the freedom he had to casually command Qui Gon’s attention and affection. He wished he could be that free and open with his gestures, but he couldn’t do it until Qui Gon himself gave him an opening and so far, there hadn’t been one.

Obi Wan couldn’t blame him and thus pushed his jealousy away and released it to the Force and bade himself be patient.

Even though that had started to be easier said than done.

Obi Wan was finding that it was harder than he had expected to leave Qui Gon behind. To not be with him every day, walking beside him as they went about their duties. He missed glancing to the left and finding him there. Missed watching him standing at the kitchen and making tea. Missed the way that his body would move through warm up katas and how he would be all power and leonine grace in the training salles and during battles.

He would find himself wrapped in his cloak and try and not feel the phantom warmth of Qui Gon’s body lying beside him as it had for years. He would be restless until he’d be able to come home and see Qui Gon sitting in his chair or the couch, cradling a cup of Sapia tea and either instructing Anakin or simply being.

It was only when those dark blue eyes and faint smile were focused on him that he was able to release the jangling tension going through him and breathe easily again.

And yet again, he looked at Qui Gon and noticed the new lines of stress and exhaustion and he found himself cursing the short time that they had together. He was all too aware of his duty and he was all too aware that it was starting to become a burden, rather than a goal. He needed to be back here, with his love and his family.

But he still went and like a good Jedi, he did his duty.

Even when his heart hurt.

“I won’t be long. I promise.”

He whispered to Qui Gon, making the older man smile sadly and reach out to clasp Obi Wan’s hand and make his heart stutter and his breathing quicken.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. I know you’ll be back. And I’ll be waiting. Anakin will be waiting. Remember that, when the nights get too long and cold.”

Obi Wan nodded, knowing that Qui Gon did speak the truth in that sense. Yet he didn’t want to just leave Qui Gon with nothing to hold on to. He felt it in the Force, that he needed to do or say something more than just a goodbye and go.

He chewed on his bottom lip again, puzzling out what it was that he was feeling in the Force as he looked down and saw his hand clasped between Qui Gon’s scarred hands and he felt it. A quickening and a feeling of anticipation, a frisson of desire and it was then that he knew what he had to do.

He didn’t hesitate. Nor did he think about it. He simply moved from his chair and leaned over to kiss Qui Gon. It wasn’t a perfect kiss and it was sort of awkward since he had to pull his hand free to cradle Qui Gon’s face and move him to the angle where he could slot their mouths perfectly for the kiss he wanted ( _ached)_ to give him.

He didn’t know if the pleased hum was from him or from Qui Gon or the Force itself as he moved his lips against Qui Gon’s, pressing down gently and licking him to coax entrance to his mouth. A wordless request that Qui Gon accepted as he parted his lips and let Obi Wan deepen the kiss, letting him taste all of him.

And for Qui Gon to do the same, both of them noting that they tasted a bit like Sapir as the kiss went on. He wanted to keep doing this forever, to explore the hidden secrets of Qui Gon, but duty called.

He regretfully pulled away from Qui Gon, who was flushed and breathing hard at the kiss. Obi Wan had to admit that he was pleased to have gotten that reaction. His own heart was thudding in his own chest and he knew his cheeks were red.

He swallowed hard and straightened out, wincing as the chrono beeped at him impatiently.

“Does that hold more weight than a promise?”

He asked as he gathered up his satchel and his cloak.

“It does. In more ways than you can imagine. May the Force be with you. Obi Wan.”

Obi Wan smiled softly.

“And also with you, Qui.”

_Six_

It was quiet in their quarters when he entered and Obi Wan breathed a sigh of relief in regards to that. He needed the time to decompress from a politically arduous mission and from the grilling of the Council that followed right after. The report was even worse, since he was sure that he could feel Master Yoda and Master Windu testing and poking, trying to find out something. What exactly, he wasn’t sure.

He hid everything that wasn’t related to the mission, not wanting them to know the nature of his relationship with Qui Gon. They had no right to know. Not when they had more or less discarded him and brushed his sacrifices under the carpet for the well being of an Order that was increasingly out of touch. Not unlike the Republic that it had become shackled to.

Obi Wan mentioned the unrest and the displeasure stemming from the Outer Rim and in Corellia, where he had a stopover and the few bits and pieces he had gleaned from his off hours. The Republic was crumbling and the Jedi Order wasn’t being looked at being the right path to support either.

There had to be changes, or else things would crack and civil war and rebellions would be the norm. He had heard that there was a shadow Senate in place making deals and alliances. Discontent amongst some of the Jedi had been noted. Particularly Master Dooku, who was taking steps to leave the Order.

He filed that away for future examination and in order to get Qui Gon’s take on that. He didn’t know how close he was with his old Master, but it wouldn’t hurt to pass on the news. The man _had_ after all, come to Obi Wan with news of Qui Gon’s health when he had none.

All of this, he pushed away as he hung up his robe and put his satchel away. He slipped off his boots and headed straight to his room.

And nearly got the shock of his life when he found it nearly empty, with none of his belongings in it.

Frowning, he went to Qui Gon’s room and felt his jaw drop when he saw that all of his belongings had been carefully arranged on the shelves alongside Qui Gon’s own. He knew for sure that if he looked into the cupboards, his clothes would be there. All of it was arranged in perfect harmony, nothing was out of place and it just felt right.

This was what he had been looking forward to and he hadn’t even guessed that was what Qui Gon had been doing despite the gentle pulses of tenderness and affection that he had gotten through the bond.

He walked in and sat down on the bed on the side that had the singing river stone on the nightstand on top of several datapads he had been reading.

_“Do you mind? I hope I wasn’t being too forward in taking the obvious next step. After all, it seems you do spend more time here than in your own room.”_

He laughed softly at the clear amusement in Qui Gon’s voice, since it was true.

After Qui Gon had come home, between needing assistance and the nightmares, Obi Wan seldom saw his own bed and had more or less used it as a dressing room. The idea had crossed his mind to make the move permanent sometime, but the proper time hadn’t ever presented itself.

He had, in his precious little downtime in Tatooine and Corellia, toyed with the idea of doing it when he got back.

_“I guess you beat me to the punch yet again, Qui.”_

He mused as he looked up to see Qui Gon moving his chair towards him.

“It wasn’t me. Anakin was the one that said it was necessary. He wouldn’t elaborate further, but assured me that he had seen this happening.”

He felt a bit of a chill when Qui Gon said that, since it brought back _exactly_ how powerful Anakin was, something he would forget living with him on a day to day basis. To know that he was the one to take the last step in making it official between himself and Qui Gon was touching, to say the least.

Qui Gon stopped in front of him and Obi Wan stood up to give him an embrace.

“To be fair, I think he’s been wanting us to be together as much as we have. We are his family, attachments or not. He only wants us to be happy.”

Qui Gon murmured as Obi Wan helped him into their bed, something that he both was thrilled and slightly wary to acknowledge.

“Do you think we could be?”

Obi Wan asked softly, as they lay with their arms loosely wrapped around each other and their bodies as close as they had ever been while they had shared a bed together. He could feel Qui Gon’s heart beating and he was sure that Qui Gon could hear his as well.

Qui Gon smiled at Obi Wan, his eyes half closed as he kissed Obi Wan.

A soft, clumsy kiss, but with all the emotion that he had. Obi Wan didn’t have to wonder anymore. He could taste the answer in Qui Gon’s kiss.

It was the opening he needed to turn to Qui Gon and slip his hand into the loose sleep tunic that Qui Gon was wearing.

_“Yes. A million times yes, love.”_

It was as if the dam had broken between them and it was a frenzy of hands tearing off clothes, mouths pressing down pulses and biting kisses. Hands exploring and skimming, learning the new cartography of each other’s bodies.

Obi Wan’s hands moved reverently across the angles and planes of Qui Gon’s body, learning what worked and memorizing where Qui Gon’s breath hitched and his heartbeat stuttered, what made him cry out with desire. What made his mind white out and the pleasure light up the bond in the back of his mind.

In turn, Qui Gon did the same, making Obi Wan tremble and shout hoarsely, his own pleasure mirrored within the bond creating a feedback loop that made both of their visions white out and Obi Wan’s body arch over Qui Gon as it hit him, making him collapse gracelessly on top of Qui Gon.

_“As cliche as it sounds...I have never been as happy as I am right now, lying here with you.”_

Obi Wan raised his head and sleepily kissed Qui Gon.

_“Not cliche when I feel the same. I love you, Obi Wan.”_

Obi Wan sighed, feeling his heart overflow with joy at the sound of the Force singing with the rightness of their coming together.

_“I love you too, Qui. So much.”_

They broke off the kiss and Obi Wan curled up around Qui Gon, tucking his head under Qui Gon’s chin and wrapping his arm around Qui Gon’s waist. Both succumbed to sleep with the sound of the Force and their hearts humming in their ears.

After all those years, resentments, and missed chances, they had finally come together. The past didn’t matter now that they had finally found each other after so many false starts and a close miss.

They were together. That was all that mattered now. They were together and stable and able to guide Anakin to his full potential. But all that could wait.

Tomorrow the world would be dealt with. Tonight, it was just for them and them alone.

Force knew that they deserved it.

END


End file.
